This post is another personal development experience, detailing a healing session I had yesterday with a local practitioner in my area, Eileen O’Hare. If you’d prefer to just read about technology and the future of the web, wait for my next post. If you’ve never participated in an energy healing session and are curious what it’s like, read on!
today i went to eileen for a healing session. a lot of things have been cropping up, and it felt time to let go of some things that were no longer serving me. we started with about an hour and a half long conversation, centered around the topic of aloneness and isolation.
she asked me how i felt about being alone.
i said that i enjoy my isolation, that i need that time to think and reflect, that it makes me a better person for others when i have time to myself. though i spend much of my time behind a computer, it is not done aimlessly browsing the web. i am actively engaged in conversations all day – either on twitter, google chat, or in video discussions on skype. though i am alone in physical space, i am not lonely.
she asked if i feel alone.
i said that i have always felt different, since i can remember. not fitting in. always looking at things differently than other people, and being punished for it. often feeling misunderstood, which led to frustration, anger, loneliness, and despair. feeling that i must conform if i am to be accepted. feeling that i must apologize for who i am, or just hide that person altogether.
i said that i have found myself, reconnected. i want to be authentic all the time, be real, to live in accordance with my fundamental values, and never apologize for it. i said i am tired of feeling not worthy, tired of this lack of self-respect. i am surrounded by people who cherish my existence and the things we are able to share, and i see the highest good in all of them, but not in myself. i can’t do this Work and call for an open, globally cooperative society, and talk about the values that are necessary in that system, if i can’t embrace them myself. and it does start with the self. within. acknowledging the expansiveness and beauty of who we are, but also doing so without ego – having a love of self that is almost objective, humble, respectful, and timeless.
and once that recognition is made, and we see ourselves, we are able to see others too. others who are always around us, but we have been blind to. i see now what it means when they say you can’t love others until you love yourself. the love is not a self-indulgent arrogance, it’s a healthy respect, awe, wonder, and gratitude for our capacity to be.
she said she felt this self-isolation was strong within my lineage, on both sides. she asked what the relationship between my parents was like growing up.
i said i saw that my parents lived their lives in parallel, but were clearly on separate paths. perhaps out of fear they chose to stay together, but neither seemed happy with the other. my mother was a reiki master and practiced meditation and holistic medicine and wanted to be healthy and grow and expand. my father liked to drink after work every night, and smoked a pack of cigarettes a day, and stayed out late b.s.ing with friends, and was overweight. both loved their lifestyles immensely and neither apologized for it….. but they were not able to share their ideals and values with each other. it was like they spoke two different languages. neither inherently a bad person, and neither lifestyle inherently “wrong,” but simply not harmonious or in resonance with each other.
i said that i observed these things, and they seemed quite clear to me, though maybe my parents were deluding themselves about it. each was isolated from the other, yet still essentially carrying out the lifestyle they truly wanted. but doing so alone. by choice. i said that i did not want to repeat that pattern, that it was not enough to live a life of passion, that i wanted a partner who i could share these things with. some people say your partner doesn’t have to be on a similar path as you, and it’s not fair for you to force them to. i agree. at the same time, it is our choice if that type of relationship is acceptable to us. is it ‘good enough’? is it desirable? preferable? ideal?
deconstructing things already built seems like it would be excruciatingly painful and cruel. and without patience, communication, and an open heart, i’m sure it would be. but i saw their unhappiness, and it caused me pain. i asked them to get a divorce, so they could each be happy in the life they chose to live. they were afraid. it never changed.
maybe this pattern has gone back for generations, each child watching this behavior in their home, and repeating it themselves into adulthood. i don’t want that. i want to break that chain. i want to be free to live in my truth, and for it to be transparent, not hidden. for it to be celebrated and shared. to not be ashamed of who i am and what i believe in, though my thoughts may be “fringe.”
creativity exists on the edge of chaos. i accept that. i live there. my way of thinking and living frightens those who choose a more conventional lifestyle. i understand that. i don’t want to push my “ideologies” on others. i just want to live in accordance with the values i have identified as fundamental to my well-being without compromise. if people are unable to handle this, then i will respectfully choose not to engage. but no more hiding.
she said we were ready for the healing to begin. i had identified my issue. a repeated pattern of self-imposed isolation, of feeling alone and misunderstood, even when surrounded by those that care. i could break the chain now.
I AM worthy.
she took me through a guided visualization process. she asked me to imagine myself on a deserted island, and to let her know when i had the image. i saw myself sitting on the beach, toes dug into the sand, arms wrapped around drawn up knees, looking out to sea. i said i had the image. she said she felt arms wrapped around knees drawn up – did that resonate? i said yes, exactly how i pictured it.
she said it was time to reconnect with those aspects of self that i have suppressed, to find them and welcome them back. she said to imagine diving into the water, diving deep to the bottom, where those pieces of myself were laying, waiting to be rediscovered. she said to see if there was a girl there, and what she looked like, and how old. i saw a girl around 5. tanned from the sun, barefoot, with dirt on her body and feathers in her hair. i took her hand and pulled her to the surface. we looked at each other, and she smiled, delighted. she was filled with wonder, curiosity, and mischief. a wild child. running, pointing, exploring, discovering. i got down on one knee, and we hugged. i had her back. i can embrace my childlike fascination with the world without fear or apology.
eileen told me to dive down to the bottom again, and this time look for a woman. i saw her. fierce, like an amazonian warrior. (my legs actually started to shake as i visualized it). i was in awe, terrified, enthralled. i was afraid to touch her, but finally reached my hand out and pulled her to the surface. she was beautiful, proud, hard, self-sufficient, seemingly invincible. her body was covered in symbols, her hair wild and unkempt, a knife strapped to her leg, a quiver of arrows on her back, her eyes clear and firm but kind. i put my hand on my heart and bowed to her. she did the same.
eileen asked if this woman was trying to please her mother to show her worth. i thought, yes, this was the case. she was so strong and frighteningly beautiful, but still had a hidden insecurity, that even in all of her strength and accomplishment, it was somehow still not enough in her mind. maybe this mythological me really existed at some point in time, and this pattern has repeated. but i understood what i was showing myself – that i carry an inner being that is beyond comprehension, and it does not need external approval in order to be real or worthy. we already have what we need to carve our path in life, and it is our ability to acknowledge that we are creators and manifestors. we don’t have to be afraid of this if we don’t want to be. we can embrace it and run with it. we can choose to be the change we want to see in the world. and so i reclaimed that woman, who was strong, determined, and wise.
and finally, eileen said she saw a skeleton in the water, and that i should pull it up and see what it said. (i felt myself energetically recoil at first, but i forced myself to continue). i pulled the skeleton out, and it stood before me. she asked me if it had anything to say. i just imagined it with it’s hand on its hip in a casual posture, almost comical, as if to say, “why do you fear death? that is so silly!” i laughed out loud, because suddenly, it did seem silly. it was just another version of myself, one that this body will be one day. it’s inevitable, why fight it?
she asked if there was anything else it wanted to communicate. i pictured it pointing out at the landscape, and when i looked, suddenly there were many beings there. it felt like it was saying that there are others here, waiting, watching, and it is safe to receive their wisdom, if i choose to. it indicated that perhaps i was ready to become multidimensional.
eileen asked, but how will you protect yourself when interacting on these levels? and i thought, good question! and then i saw myself in a capsule of light, emanating from the crown of my head, and showering down around me and enclosing me. she asked what color it was. at first i said white, but then i said rainbow, because it looked like the colors that are projected on a wall when sunlight hits a prism. she said ‘good.’ so i know how to make myself safe when going to these places.
it was time to integrate. i stood in a circle with my two other selves, the curious child and the fierce tribal warrior, all holding hands and making a circle. then i looked at the girl and opened my heart, and she became a wisp of smoke and entered in through my heart chakra. then i did the same with the woman. and i felt very complete. i reembraced those aspects of myself, while leaving behind the notion of not being worthy and not having self-respect. i noticed that the sense of isolation is only an illusion, one that we can choose to destroy once we are able to see it. all of my ideas are based around an interdependent society…. if that is something i *truly* believe in, then i must become interdependent. i am not alone. none of us are. we then went through an exercise to visualize that.
we returned to the original scene of me on a deserted island. she asked me to envision all the people who were kindred souls, fellow travelers on this path, and to connect with them. i thought of people i know ‘in real life,’ as well as the amazing people around the world i’ve met through my blog and the web. i imagined standing there with arms open and head tipped back, and that rainbow light extending out from my head and heart out around the world, touching all those people dear to me. (it was such a nice moment, and even if it only happened in my imagination, my heart ached with the joy of it). i felt very connected to what i’ve been referring to as my “trust network” – beacons of light around the planet.
the last part of the session was the letting go of the perceived isolation that we’ve carried for generations. she asked me to imagine myself lifted off the island and floating high above it. what did i see? it was just water in every direction, as far as the eye could see, with beautiful patterns and reflections bouncing off the ripples. she said to imagine all those people dear to me, as if they were floating there with me. then we watched as the island slowing sink beneath the surface of the water until it was as if it never existed. it meant that being alone is fine and healthy, but does not require loneliness and isolation, or a disconnection from the rest of humanity. those negative feelings are just a mental projection that do nothing to serve our highest good. then we sent the rainbow light to the water itself, the expansive waters of our consciousness, and sent it love and gratitude for providing the space for this self healing.
the session wound down from there, and i returned to the room and my body. (of course, there were many other aspects that weren’t mentioned here, but this is just a snapshot of the flavor of the experience.) it was my first time really allowing myself to be creative in such a session, and playing with my imagination as i was guided through the experience. i left feeling both grounded and elated, and felt that a great healing had taken place. and though i am so grateful to know a person like eileen, who is able to perform the work she does with such love and compassion, the real work happens with the individual. this type of “therapy” is not mainstream by any means, and can seem confusing or strange. (it did to me at first). but when i chose to let go, and just *try* to welcome a new experience, i found that i already had many of the answers i was looking for, and i was just waiting to tell myself about them.
this blog is starting to reflect different pieces of myself and these ideas, and i only share these intimacies because of the value they have provided me in contextualizing my life experience and understanding who i was, who i am, and who i aspire to be. i think we all carry a lot of pain and hurt inside of us – even if not something overtly violent or traumatic, it does seem that much of what we believe about ourselves and the world are based in reaction instead of creation. there is much healing to be done inside before we can extend ourselves out to each other and offer support. perhaps a shamanic healing ceremony is not for you, but there are many many different kinds of practitioners these days. it may be worth exploring which works for you. i’ve found for myself that it is wonderful to have friends who will lend an ear and let me talk things out that trouble me, but that healing takes place at a deeper level when i’m able to interact with someone with a higher level of intelligence and clarity of mind than myself, who can guide me to my answers by knowing how to frame the questions.
i think there is a lot of trickery in the rational mind, and the mythologies and stories we weave for ourselves don’t always make sense for our hearts. i am a big believer in the need for us to tap into that emotional/intuitive aspect of ourselves, and reconnect with a wisdom that is already there and always has been. and what does any of this have to do with technology and the web? well, i think the web is this amazing communication tool, and i’d like to see how we can use it with more intention and purpose. there is a lot of work to be done around the world, in our minds and hearts, if we are to redefine what is truly important and then lead our lives from those values. this process doesn’t have to happen alone anymore, or even laying on a couch in a sterile office. we are capable of extending ourselves out to one another via the web, connect with people who share our desire for authenticity, and help each other learn and unfold.
i think it’s a very exciting time in history, and i’m glad i can share my process with you, and i’m grateful to all of you who have chosen to engage with me too.
Eileen O’Hare bio: Eileen O’Hare is a shamanic practitioner and teacher in the Andean Tradition; a legacy carrier in the Peruvian medicine way. Eileen is a Chakaruna – a bridge person. She helps herself and others heal by accessing wisdom, power, guidance, healing, light and love from etheric realms. She is committed to helping herself and others reach ever higher states of consciousness and is grateful to have sat with many teachers in the US and Peru. She is in the lineages of Don Manuel Quispe and Don Benito Quoriwaman. She works out of her home, The Healing House, in Beacon, NY with a private practice in NYC. Eileen travels and teaches at private homes, yoga centers and Wellness Centers. She taught families at Omega last summer. She’s recorded a CD, Love and Gratitude to the Water which she gives away in love and service. She leads sacred chanting every Sunday night. Holds meditation circles every Thursday night. And a Women’s Manifestation Group every Monday night. Her next shamanic intensive class starts this Sept. She offers QT classes as well. 845-831-5790. http://www.medicinespiral.com. firstname.lastname@example.org
image from here